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80's Cartoons don't fuck around.

by:Pox

2010/01/27

So I stumbled upon THIS series of Youtube videos featuring a ton of 80s cartoon intros and it really made me proud that I watched them. And sad that I missed out on so many promising ones. 80's cartoons did NOT fuck around that's for sure. Not like today where it's about troubled teenagers who resolve conflicts through non-violent means. Back then there was only one way to do anything and it involved space guns.

Here's a look at the more badass ones. I haven't seen all of these so I'm just going on the intro alone for a bunch of them. But just like how everyone can usually tell if a movie is going to suck by watching the preview, I know which ones in there are worth watching.

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G.I. Joe

What 1 minute of intro gets you: Fighter jets, huge tanks, jetpacks, people with guns yelling,78 explosions, an helicopter crashing, a guy shooting dynamite that he himself threw, people training in martial arts while a guy lifts weights.

Doesn't get manlier than this cartoon.

He-Man

What 1 minute of intro gets you: A muscular guy shooting a tiger with a sword.

Yeah when you're 7 years old, you don't know what the word "gay" means and that it applies fully to just about everything in this cartoon. No, back then it was just a burly Luke Skywalker who could lift mountains and rode around on a gaint green tiger. The animation was terrible though.

The Real Ghostbusters

What 1 minute of intro gets you: A harmless happy Ghost getting his day ruined, the Ghostbusters theme song and more ghosts getting shot in the face.

Ghostbusters aren't really manly but in this intro you get a slight glimpse of what part of their job is: tracking down harmless ghosts and trapping them forever in some sort of alternate dimension or something. Ghostism is awesome. Understanding what ghosts are is NOT IMPORTANT. Destroying them takes top priority. You just know that if we ever brought dinosaurs back to life, these 4 guys would be at the head of the line with a giant shotgun ready to incinerate every last one of them out of spite. KUDOS.

COPS

What 1 minute of intro gets you: A guy with guns in his chest, a chick lifting a car, a robot dog.

COPS was one of the latest shows and one of the best. Too bad it didn't last long. It's more toned-down than some other cartoons of that era but it's still like an entire team of Rocobops fighting a criminal organisation made out of Terminators. I wish I were watching it right now...

Thundarr The Barbarian

What 1 minute of intro gets you: The moon blowing up while the earth's atmosphere is apparently blown away, a tidal wave wiping out an entire city while the richest man's house remains untouched ( as it should be), SUPER SCIENCE,Luke Skywalker, Chewbacca and a guy who has to say "Ookla the Mok" without laughing his ass off.

Some guy figured they'd just cut the bullshit and merged Star Wars with He-Man to save everyone the trouble of watching too many shows at once. Well played sir, well played.

Chuck Norris Karate Commandos

What 1 minute of intro gets you: Chuck Norris jumping out of an helicopter and kicking a ninja, Chuck Norris bursting through the window of a crane to kick a ninja, Chuck Norris sending a ninja-driven car explode a gas station, a Sumo beating up a cook for no apparent reason.

Chuck Norris hates ninjas.

Dino-Riders intro

What 1 minute of intro gets you: A guy named "Questar", someone riping the fabric of space/time, spaceships, exploding buildings, dinosaurs, DINOSAURS WITH GUNS ON THEIR BACKS.

Spiral Zone

What 1 minute of intro gets you: HEAVY METAL, EARTH'S MOST POWERFUL SOLDIERS, wacky nonsensical vehicles, a kid being abducted ( or rescued, but I prefer abducted), virtual reality LASERS.

I have no idea what this show is or how much of a G.I. Joe ripoff it can be, but I like it. This show looks educational.

Galaxy Rangers

What 1 minute of intro gets you: Space ships, space cowboys on space robot horses in space with no helmet, a hot redhead.

I've never watched this, but how can it possibly not rule?

Robotech

What 1 minute of intro gets you: Awesome animation, giant robots, 1000 lasers.

Yeah so what it's an anime? All these shows are animated in Korea anyway.

Rambo

What 1 minute of intro gets you: RAMBO, a tank crashing through a wall, Rambo riding on the skids of an helicopter, explosions.

Yeah that's right, Rambo. No skyscrapper window is too tall to crash through it while dropping from an helicopter. Rambo doesn't obey the laws of physics because Rambo obeys no laws.

Saber Riders

What 1 minute of intro gets you: A guy in a robot suit riding a robot horse, IN SPACE, slicing a jet in two with a sword.

Nothing needs to make sense. It just needs to be AWESOME. Human drama and plots with no holes can be found anywhere but so few cartoons have robot horses riding full speed with space ships following them.

MASK

What 1 minute of intro gets you: Standard package of lasers, spaceships and cars with rockets.

So basically this is a show where most of the characters look like shiny Moltars, from Space Ghost. Extra point for having a big rig truck in their logo for no apparent reason. FUCK YEAH.

Transformers

What 1 minute of intro gets you: TRANSFORMERS

TMNT

BLAH

What 1 minute of intro gets you: A lot of nonsense, an awesome song.

THUNDERCATS

What 1 minute of intro gets you: Lions with laser swords, giant truck crashing through a mountain, explosions, a giant evil mummy

This show has the most deceptive intro of all time because it's really boring. Can't wait for Michael Bay to make that movie. I'm sure he'll manage to fuck it up in a completely unpexpected and nonsensical way involving government operatives and one American guy being the hero.

Well that does it, I don't feel like finding any more. And in case you were thinking of going on youtube to watch any of these cartoons, don't bother, they all pretty much sucked ass. Sadly they sucked ass in a really reat way that just isn't found today anymore.