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Alphabet of Things That are Bullshit
by:Pox
2012/05/11
Art History. You can't fathom how useless and objectively boring this is. This is actually taught in universities TODAY in a non-ironic fashion, like it used to be taught to 17th century nobles as pre-orgy conversation fodder.

Berets. This is the worst hat ever. Why would you wear this? It's shapeless and evokes horrors like mimes and French poets.


What an asshole.


Clowns. Clowns are stupid. Jesters are where it's at:


Hmmmmm Bay-Bay...


Djs. Do these guys do ANYTHING that an iPod shuffle can't? According to Wikipedia, no: " ...a person who selects and plays recorded music for an audience.". If you ever cnosidered paying a DJ for one of your parties, may I interest you in this fine set of dragon rocks that, when ingested, will turn you into A REAL FIREBREATHING DRAGON?


Are you fucking kidding me?


Ewoks. Pretty sure fully armored guys with giant walking robots can beat a bunch of midgets with bows and arrows. Conquistadors managed to massacre tons of regular-sized bow-wielding people and all they had were guns that fired ( sometimes) once every 20 minutes.

Flash ( the). Clearly the least thought-out of all superheroes. If a regular guy suddenly accelerated to near the speed of light, he'd just explode. Somehow when he punches a bad guy at 10 000 miles per hour, his hand doesn't turn into a fine flesh mist. Seanbaby once wrote about this brilliantly so there's not much to add here...

I will just mention that the Earth can't possibly sustain a Flash. He can run near light speeds. Even at just 99% of that, the energy required to accelerate his mass would mean he'd need to consume more calories daily than there is food available on the planet. One day after Barry Allen turned into the Flash, the planet would be completely ravaged and covered with Flash shit.


U mad?


Gollum. Why doesn't anyone else realize he's the Jar Jar of LOTR???


God, SHUT UP!


Harry Potter. These movies don't make any sense. Everyone is both infinitely powerful and infinitely stupid, it's so excruciating to watch. There's a spell or an artifact for any number of godlike powers from time travel to immortality and yet they just fumble around like idiots while being afraid of dogs and spiders.

To understand how I feel when watching Harry Potter, imagine if the movie 127 Hours was about Superman cutting his own arm off with a butter knife to get out from under a medium-sized boulder as he tries to not accidentaly turn it to dust by breathing on it too hard or looking at it with his laser vision.

Idiocracy. Everyone thinks this movie is some possible doomsday scenario. It's not. It'll never happen. People are more educated every decade and before we get to breed intelligence out of our species, genetics will be advanced enough that we can just select genes for geniusism ( a real word ) and any parent will want their kids born smart so they do well in the world. Idiocracy would basically be a guy traveling BACK in time and finding us morons putting a bible in every hotel room and wearing magnetic bracelets to scare away possible gay ghosts from our buttholes.


Who's the idiot now?


Jedis. Why are their powers so impossibly inconsistent? They can kill hundreds of droids but get shot to death by 2-3 mindless stormroopers? They can sense slight mood changes in people but they can't feel that everyone in the galaxy wants to murder them? Why are their enemies so stupid anyway? If I was fighting Jedis all the time, I'd stop sending robots against them, just suck the air out of the room or fill it with magma, what the hell are they going to do about that? Or throw a nuke on them. It was just a matter of time before they died on the frontlines. Oh and I've decided to also cash in on this new form of extreme pedophilia obsession by pointing out that they take kids away from their families to live in a cult. YODA YOUNG LIKES THEM. Hah, see? Adults with kids = pedophilia! I'm a responsible, balanced citizen because I think about sex every time I see a grown man within 10 feet of a child!

Anyway, Jedis are idiots.

Kitchen Nightmares. This is a very entertaining show where internationally famous chef Gordon Ramsay helps turn around failing restaurants in one week. But it's such bullshit. First of all, he uses his fame to draw people into the restaurant without having to do anything. He does that every show even before changing a thing, to see how the staff handles a full service. Plus he hates everything he's served. He spits food like INSERT SEX REFERENCE. Finally, he gets his team to redecorate the places and buy new equipment as needed... sometimes he'll even get other chefs to help out in the kitchen for the relaunch night.

To sum it up, this show is like watching a dad build his kid's soapbox derby car while screaming at him the entire time.


Such a dick.


LIFE. I'm not sure why this exists or how it came to be that everyone owns it.




Monty Python. Those guys should be in the dictionary next to the word "Overrated". They're as funny when compared to modern comedy as the first Star Wars movie's special effects are good when compared to Avatar. They WERE good. Compared to other things from the 70s, which, as it turns out, were beyond terrible. Sorry, get over it. As it turns out, movies don't age well. People who still like shit like Charlie Chaplin are just patronizing assholes, with all their praise being on the level of "Awe look at that, they had no technology or money but they still managed to make something watchable! ADORABLE!". It's those guys who are REALLY killing the movie industry by watching old crap that sucks instead of paying for new releases. I have decided this theory is airtight.

Nail salons. Let me just put it this way: The idea of a nail salon is as stupid as the idea of an eyebrow salon, except men actually care more about how women's eyebrows look.


Ok... ok you can do to the eyebrow salon.. and drop by the mustacheorium on the way back...


Optimists. Study after study shows that optimistic people are just idiots, basically. They blame others for their failures and credit themselves for successes brought about by chance or through other people's hard work. No wonder they feel great about life; they're the kind of people who think they have a winning strategy for BINGO.

Pangolins. Who made these?


Huh?


QWOP. If you touch nothing, your guy will eventually fall on his own. Even the person who's the best in the world at this game can't help but run like a retard:



Republicans. Well OBVIOUSLY. I mean. Are you kidding me?

Selling out. So apparently this is doing the opposite of what you say you believe in exchange for money. Basically, changing your behavior in exchange of money. Hmmm I BELIEVE this describes 100% of people who participate in the economy. Everyone with a job is a frickin sell-out, people just pretend like others are BIGGER sellouts, kind of like how vegans pretend they're MORE conscious about whatever bullshit than vegetarians. Don't call other people sell-outs. You sell-out.

Taxi drivers. I don't understand how the more time they spend drving, the worst at it they seem to become. I've never seen one of them signal a turn. They've destroyed more bicycles than George Lucas has destroyed childhoods.

Ultramarathons. They're like marathons, but longer. Much longer. They can last multiple days and sometimes consist of just running in circles on a track less than a mile long. I can't imagine a more boring sport to participate in or watch. There's one that's 3455 miles long. It takes 3 months to do. It's starting to sound like some people just want an excuse to get out of work...

Visiting things. 99% of things you can visit are not worth visiting and basically the same as looking them up on the Internet. See also: Sports games, concerts.


Oh yeah, this is much better than just listening to it. And it only costs 10 times more on top of the time it takes to get there and back? And I can't drink anything that costs less than 11$? DEAL!


Wine. There's nothing in the world that has more bullshit built around it than the fermenting of grapes. In this day and age, to still think there's a "best way" to make any food is really like thinking there's a "best gometric shape", a "best color" or a "best way to end a comedic enumeration with a silly random example that has nothing to do with anything". You could build an entire argumentation class about fallacies around examples taken from the wine world, from the argument from authority to the argument from antiquity. Once you're paying 50+ dollars for a bottle of grape juice, please be aware that you've long since stopped enjoying wine and are now solely enjoying prestige, which you can do with anything! Hell I'll sell you a jar of Nutella for 50$ if you want! Did I mention it's premium? And rare? And REALLY worth 200$?

XXXII. What? Oh right, why the hell are we still learning about and sometimes using Roman numerals 1600 years later? Is this a contest now? Do I win if I write job applications in cuneiform?

Yoga. Let's just call it "bullshit stretching" and move on. If you're one of those people who do Yoga as a "sport" to keep fit or lose weight, please stop wasting your time and go for a swim or a run or anything that involves moving faster than a three-toed sloth in line at the DMV.

Zeolites. Or so you're any of a family of glassy minerals analogous to feldspar containing hydrated aluminum silicates of calcium or sodium or potassium; formed in cavities in lava flows and in plutonic rocks?

Wow.

WHERE DO YOU GET OFF?? HUH?






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