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The Grape Pumpkin Cheesecake
by:Pox
2011/10/16



I'm on a total recipe roll these days. Thought I'd go for something a little Halloweeny, not because I'm a particularly big fan of Halloween but because I love weeners. This is a decently healthy take on cheesecake because.. why the fuck wouldn't you make healthy desserts if they're going to taste just as good anyway? Why would you drink Coke and not Diet Coke if you knew aspartame was safe? ( And it is so shut up you cranks). You get all the flavor and none of the ass explosion. I AM FINE WITH THAT.

LET'S GET STARTED!

INGREDIENTS

Crust:

- 3 cups of Kashi GOLean cereal
- 2 tablespoons cocoa powder
- 2 egg whites

Filling

- 2 tubs (32oz / 500g ) of non-fat / fat-free cream cheese. Just take the lowest fat content you can find.
- 1 tub (16oz /250g) of non-fat ( or lowest fat you can find) cottage cheese
- 4 egg whites
- 1 cup of pureed pumpkin
- 3/4 cup Splenda
- 6 tablespoons skim milk powder ( or protein powder if you have it, vanilla or flavorless though or else it'll screw with the taste)
- 1 teaspoon cinnamon
- 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
- 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
- 1/2 teaspoon ground allspice

Topping:

- 2 cups of fruit ( I have grapes)
- 1/2 cup Splenda

NUTRITIONAL INFO: For 1/8th cheesecake: 248 calories, 22g protein.
* That's for my version which had 1% cottage cheese and 5% cream cheese, if you find true non-fat ingredients, it's much lower on the calories! And if you use protein powder instead of skim milk powder then...holy shit!


JUST THIS ONCE I WILL USE THIS AWESOME ORANGE HALLOWEEN TEXT!


First of all, get a small saucepan and put in your fruits and about 1/2 cup of sweetener. I have Splenda. Let that simmer over low heat for like an hour or until you get a nice thick jam / syrup. In case you're too stupid to figure it out on your own: you let this simmer while you do the rest of the recipe. ALRIGHT? GOOD.


Those grapes will soon find themselves IN QUITE A JAM!!!


Get your blender out and put in the 3 cups of Kashi and 2 tablespoons of cocoa powder. Note that you can use any damn cereal you please for this. Kashi cereal happens to be one of the more high-protein choices out there but you can just use Boo Berry if the mood strikes you. Blend the cereal until you get a fine powder.


Don't inhale this because it's deadly. I'M SERIOUS YOU WILL DIE.


Put your powder in a bowl and pour in 2 egg whites.


It is now safe to breathe.


You want to mix that up until your mix forms small lumps and becomes crumbly. Add more egg whites if needed. You can add liquid until you get the consistency that you want. Typical cheesecakes have a Graham cracker crust that is very dry and crumbly but you can make your crust moist like a cookie. It's your cake after all, don't let THE MAN tell you how to crust your cakes.


My lumps


Once you have the desired consistency, grease up a pie plate / cake mold ( make sure it's at least 9 inches in diameter or else you'll have spillover) and pour in the crust mix. Using your fingers, shape it into a crust on the bottom of your plate. You just want it to hold into one solid piece but it's not that important really, just make sure the bottom is fully covered.

Now go back in time 5 minutes and preheat the oven to 350F. Then wait 5 minutes until you're in the present again, but now in a freak alternate dimension where there's a hot oven waiting for an offering of pie crust. Shove it in there for around 10 minutes.


Masterpiece


Now it's time to make the filling! Put 500g cream cheese, 250g cottage cheese, 1 cup mashed pumpkin, 3/4 cup splenda (to taste really), 6 tablespoon milk powder, 4 egg whites and your spices in the blender and ROCK IT. If it's not orange enough, add some food coloring. There's nothing worse in the world than having non-orange pumpkin-flavored food. Nothing.


What not to add: your fingers.


Once it's all good and blended, it's time for the patented flavosensing probe that will determine if the chemical balance of your mix is right.


Scanning...



LE TASTY!


If it tastes like shit before you cook it, it will taste like shit once it comes out of the oven so make your adjustments now! Once you're happy, take your crust out of the oven and start pouring the mix in.


LE TASTY!


Glorious.


Er... yeah glorious, like I said.


Then it goes in the oven at 350F for 35-40 minutes. Once that time is up, take it out and... wait why am I explaining this? What the fuck did you think would happen after 40 minutes? That it would be time to rent a speedboat and run drugs across the Florida bay? Just get your cake...


It's jiggly!


Don't worry too much if it's not cooked. It's a cheesecake. I don't even know why they make you cook it! By now your jelly mixture should be just about ready.


That smells like popsicle abortion.


Pour it on top of your cake. Get creative if you want. On second thought, don't. If you make cool shapes like black cats and bats on your cake, then I look like a chump for having this lame non-artistic cake...


You want this all over your mouth. BUT NOT YET!


Now comes the hard part. The wait. Cheesecakes are crafty prey, they require an overnight stay in the fridge before they can be properly consumed. I suggest using those 8-12 hours to make more cakes.

After its time is up, inflict knife wounds upon it and serve it up.


Imagine how good it would look on a white plate with syrup drizzled around it. IMAGINE.



Not looking forward to washing this stupid-ass plate.


Unlike the bean monster, this is actual cake and will pass for regular dessert if you feed it to your unsuspecting family! It's really good and somewhat healthy to boot! You wish they sold this in stores, but they don't, because they're idiots.

NEXT TIME WE EAT CHRISTMAS


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