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The 1 Billion Dollar Pizza
by:Pox
2012/04/05
I remember dicking around one night watching random things on Youtube until I stumbled upon lists of "The World's Most Expensive XXX". In one of the list were foods that sold for insane amounts of money even though they clearly are nothing but stupid-ass gimmicks. Just look at this so-called "World's Most Expensive Pizza":


Read the lame story

"The 12 inch pizza pie is densely packed with an assortment of some of the world’s most expensive food ingredients, such as lobster marinated in cognac, caviar soaked in champagne, sunblush tomato sauce, Scottish smoked salmon, venison medallions, prosciutto, and vintage balsamic vinegar. In addition to all these fine ingredients, it’s topped with a significant amount of edible 24-carat gold flakes.

...

The auction ended November 19, 2006 with the highest bid by Italian lawyer Maurizio Morelli reaching £2,150 (approx. $4,200 in US dollars). Morelli is a charitable food connoisseur from Rome who also collects fine wines and truffles. "


A food connoisseur? Bitch please, that's the same as being a unicorn groomer. You could only get this thing to $4200? Even if you added something stupid like gold flakes? Hmmm gold flakes, almost as good as manganese powder!

Screw you guys, I'm going to make the fanciest pizza ever. It'll be worth over a billion dollars! By food connoisseur logic, it will therefore be over 238 000 times tastier than the previous record holder's.



INGREDIENTS (makes 2 pizzas)
CRUST:

- 4-5 cups flour
- 3 teaspoons sugar
- 4.5 teaspoons yeast
- 1.5 teaspoons salt
- 6 tablespoons olive oil

SAUCE

- 4 cups milk
- 1/2 cup butter
- 1 onion
- 1/2 cup flour
- Black Pepper
- Oregano

TOPPINGS

- Whatever the fu... hum... YEAH WHO CARES?

Alright let's start by marinating our lobster and shrimp into some 12 year old Scotch. Not only does this get around the "no drinking" thing, it also makes the Lobster taste HELLA SWEET. You know how it soaks up butter when you dip it? Well it does the same with booze! DELICIOUS BOOZE!

No crab claw opener thingy? No problem!


Now LET IT RAIN! Put as much as you're feeling fancy.


Man all those claws don't yield a lot of meat. Lazy-ass sea creatures not working out and being all scrawny by the time I eat them >: (


Now set that aside to marinate while you prepare the crust and sauce!

In a saucepan, pour the 4 cups of milk, the diced onion and the oregano ( or whatever herbs you want). Bring that to a boil then remove from the heat and let it sit until your crusts are ready.


Now for the dough. Mix 4 cups of flour, 3 teaspoons of sugar, 1.5 teaspoons of salt and 4.5 teaspoons of yeast (I got this brand, works great!).


Now pour in 1.5 cups of warm water ( Package says 120-130 degrees. That's Farenheit for the dumbasses out there.) Add in the 6 tablespoons of olive oil and start kneading that shit!


Here's the motion:


It's... fun... yeah. Then let the dough sit for a couple minutes. It'll rise like magic!


Hmmmmmm raw dough.... no eggs... no annoying germophobe to complain about salmonella bullshit...


Now separate it into 2 balls and start being ITALIAN TO THE MAX

Or not : (


Be sure to oil up your pans before putting the dough in!

That's boss. BOSS AS FUCK. Put that in the oven at 425 for about 15 minutes. MAKE SURE YOUR CRUSTS HAVE HIGH BORDERS.


Now it's time to get back to your sauce. In a NEW PAN, melt the 1/2 cup of butter and then WHISK in 1/2 cup flour.


I said WHISK.


Now mix those and cook it about 3-4 minutes.


Then slowly whisk in the milk part of your sauce.


Add whatever herbs you want at this time. I chose pepper. Then add in your lobster and shrimp!


And about half your cheese. Holy crap this smells good.


Your crusts should be just about done at this point. Get them out of the oven.


Start pouring the white sauce in the crust!


Holy smokes, SPILLAGE! NOOOOOOOO!


Slrp slrp


Me Gusta.


Now for the fun part: toppings. I have some marinated sun dried tomatoes here. Man these ARE GOOD. And fancy.


Hm.. snails... this smells... like crap


Taste test.


Guess it's...fine...

Adding the snails and smoked mussels! If you've never had smoked mussels, you're missing out, they are awesome and full of cancerous charcoally flavor!


Smoked salmon and smoked sturgeon. Fuck caviar, this requires killing an actual grown fish! MMMMM.


Top it all off with the rest of your fancy aged cheese.


Now shove those bad boys back into the oven at 425 for about 5 minutes. Just want to melt that cheese without burning your crusts.

Meanwhile, the fun part...


Man doing dishes is not that long, women should stop complaining! I assume they do.

Alright, pizzas are done!


What's wrong? NOT FANCY ENOUGH FOR YOU?


Eat shit, gold flakes!


FANCY!


Now to eat my pizza...


Alone...


...




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