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Americans, You Have Shitty Beer
by:Pox
2009/08/04
*disclaimer: some of the best beers in the world are made in the USA but it's not anything you'll ever be served at Chili's or 99% of bars.

So I've recently returned from the US and I gotta say...every time I went to a bar, a restaurent or a club, I wept tears of pity for you poor people and your craptastic "beer".

Brand %abv How much does it suck?
Budweiser 5% This is the ultimate tasteless beer. It's like they brewed the flavor out of it so kids would drink it.
Bud Lite 4.2% By removing alcohol from their beer, they somehow managed to make it taste worse. Amazing. It's like making The Phantom Menace suck more without Jar-Jar. Think about that.
Coors 5% If you can differenciate this beer from Budweiser in a blind taste test, you are elligible to win Jame Randi's million dollars.
Coors light 4.2% I'm pretty sure they make all these light beers by replacing the alcohol with aluminum siding. I knew that you could infuse fine wine and cognac with a woody flavor by keeping it in an oak cask, but apparently that works for shitty beers kept in metal vats for too long.
Corona Extra 4.6% The beer most marketted as lemonade in all of history. I challenge anyone to manage to get drunk off of this thing before their bladder explodes or they fall asleep from boredom.
Blue Moon 5.4% One of the better beers. Always costs a little more for what amounts to glorified Corona.
Dos Esquis Amber ??? I'm 99% sure that this is just Corona in a different bottle.
Stella Artois 5.2% This is the beer with the most annoying commercials. It's always about some rich snotty pricks who can't wait to get a taste of this fine luxury beer that has all the finesse of Bud lite at the price of a Guinness.
Heineken 5% This is another one of those beers that they've been making with the same recipe for 150 years. Am I supposed to be impressed that you haven't improved your product since muttonchops were fashionable?
Michelob 5% This beer is worth 1$ AT BEST. Fortunately, in Vegas, they did sell them for one dollar each. Finally I get something worthwhile for 10 bucks.
Michelob Light 4.3% Why are light beers so popular? If you really like the feeling of swallowing a liquid so damn much, just buy diet Coke you fat shit. I can't figure any other reason you'd drink this since it tastes horrible and won't get you drunk ever. It's scientifically impossible as your stommach can't process that amount of liquids faster than your liver eliminates the alcohol from your system. It's like how eating celery actually costs you calories. For the stupids: you get less calories back from digesting the celery than it takes to chew it.
Newcastle Brown Ale 4.7% I can't imagine the horrible world in which this is considered fancy. Why even bother importing that low-grade beer? You could brew something better by accident in your basement, do we really need to waste precious oil to make a cargo ship cross the Atlantic just to bring this junk into pubs? If you drink this or Stella, you are an enemy of America and responsible for global warming.


If you're ever stuck in a bar, here's what you should try and find:

Fat Tire
5.2%

Get it in a bottle, for some reason it's better than draft. This is a tasty scotch / amber ale that doesn't taste like dilluted armpit sweat.
Sam Adam's Boston Lager
4.75%%

While not as good as Fat Tire, it's still one of the most decent beers you'll find in many places. And that is super-sad.
Guinness Draught
4.2%%

Practically the only stout ( black beer ) you'll find in the US. Still better than everything else. If you haven't started your descent into the wonderful world of stouts and porters, shame on you. Those beers are awesome. They taste like cake, coffee and chocolate. Guinness is one of the shittiest and it's still considered a premium beer everywhere in the world.


Lastly, I would like to give a shout out to Young's Double Chocolate Stout for being so impossibly delicious that I wish I could take a bath in it. If you're ever in the USA, grab a bottle at a liquor store. And then send it to me.




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