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Are your eyes hurting yet?
by:Pox
2011/10/13
I've been listening to a lot of music recently FOR SOME REASON and I thought I would combine a helpful list of what sucks and what doesn't for all potential recording artists out there!

THINGS THAT RULES IN SONGS:

- Back Vocals.
- Keyboards.
- Badass electric guitar riffs.
- A guy repeating the title of the song over and over.
- A catchy chorus that is repeated at least 3 times. AT LEAST.
- Auto-tuning.
- Video game sound effects.
- Hot women singing ( preferably wearing shoulderpads or leather jackets. I can hear the difference.


Or leather pads...


THINGS THAT SUCK BALLS IN SONGS:

- Really fast drumming using a double pedal.
- Rap.
- Stealing a good song and adding your shitty rap to it.
- Stealing a good song but adding 1 minute of techno beats to the start and to the end.
- Making a song over 6 minutes. Chances are you didn't write Stairway to Heaven, so spare us.
- High-pitched noises.
- Screeching.
- Being "experimental".
- A story before the song starts. I don't want to hear your porno actor level drama that explains why there suddenly is music playing out of nowhere while people are dancing in a futuristic meat packing plant.
- A long "intro" part before the "good" part.
- Just using one instrument.
- The voices of children.
- Using one weird instrument. Bagpipes and didgeridoos should not leave their respective countries.
- Having the word "mix" in the title. 99% chance of failure.
- Growling.


As it turns out, the musical equivalent of "funny" is not "great to listen to".


THINGS THAT DON'T MATTER:

- Lyrics. This can't be overstated.
- World-class playing of instruments. I can't tell the difference because, as it turns out, I have better things to do than studying guitar for 10 years only to double-realize that finger-melting solos impress no one and don't sound particularly good anyway.
- How popular something is. Grow up, tools.
- A song being groundbreaking for its time. Until I see you riding a Model T on the Appian way to your job at the catapult factory, I will keep insisting that being original and new doesn't make anything good.


Until you start going to the toilet in this:



You have no reason to listen to this:



Hopefully you agree with me, otherwise I have to kill you and frankly it's getting to be kind of a chore and you're not worth it.


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