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How to Stave Off Hunger for Fat Fucks.

by:Pox

2008/10/02

WARNING: IF YOU ARE ALREADY THIN, GO AWAY. OR READ AND LAUGH AT FAT PEOPLE, WHATEVER WORKS.

I used to weight 50+ pounds more than I do now. And I didn't do it by exercising, I didn't do it with controlled eating or any of that Jenny Jones / Weight Watchers bullshit. Yeah, we all know how to lose weight: eat less, move more.
Well guess what, idiots: the reason why people are fat in the first place is because they hate to move. Fat people shouldn't move around, they're FAT. They're going to destroy their bones and tendons and shit. Fat people should sit on their asses and play Guitar Hero (3).Fat people suck at moving. If you're thin and self-conscious, imagine if you walked around all day feeling like your pants are going to explode. Yeah, let's see if you want to go outside jiggle around like a 2-ton mound of flubber.

So you can't move around too much, what's left? Not eating like a hog. Or surgery if you're a rich, sad, desperate cow.

Losing weight shouldn't cost a dime. It's about LOSING SOMETHING. Don't join a gym, don't buy a program, don't buy tapes etc, throw all that shit away. If you're really sick and tired of trying bullshit diets, listen to my awesome tips because they work and they kick ass.

Warning: these are the easiest possible ways to lose weight, but are also pretty fucking unhealthy and it's not like it's super-easy. Still.

TIP ONE: TIRE YOURSELF OUT This works great during vacation or summers. Lose as much sleep as you possibly can, because I guarantee you that spending 30 hours straight awake makes you a lot more tired than it makes you hungry. And the best part is that you sleep twice as long. Sleeping is free weight loss. If you have a job, try going two days straight without sleeping in-between. This method is the most radical and is the hardest, but you'll melt like the butter on Rob Reiner's forehead.

TIP TWO: SKIP MEALS No shit, right? But here's where the finesse comes: you have to arrange your sleeping schedule so that you wake up at bad times to eat or feel tired when it's time to eat. For instance, you may want to wake up too late for breakfast every day. Bam, wake up, go to work, oops didn't eat shit! Victory. Or: "Man I woke up way too early, I have to go to sleep. Fuck supper."

TIP THREE: KEEP YOUR MOUTH FRESH Best way is to chew a shitload of mint gum. But you can brush your teeth a lot, use mouthwash or freeze your mouth with Novocaine. You have no idea how all foods become disgusting when your mouth feels like the tundra. Warning: you'll get tired of this pretty fast.

TIP FOUR: KEEP YOURSELF BUSY Ever hear of those World of Warcraft geniuses who spend enough time in front of the game to die from it? They have found the secret to success! Find anything that keeps you interested for long periods of time. And I do mean LONG. Long enough to make you skip entire days of eating. Just get into any video game that has stat building and crank those useless numbers up as much as you can. Make it your life's goal. Or do something productive! For instance, I made this entire website. I make Flash games. I draw ~~naked women~~ kittens. When you get into it, you can spend 12 hours straight working.
Just find a hobby that OCCUPIES YOUR HANDS. Tv is NOT GOOD FOR THIS. You'll eventually microwave a box of Pizza Pockets which will cause you to cry yourself to sleep in shameful failure.

TIP FIVE: EAT JELLO No, not as a snack, not as a dessert. As a dinner. There's like 1600 calories in a GALLON of Jello. If you can somehow manage to finish a gallon of that stuff in one day, you're still under the daily recommendation of 2000-2200 ish. Jello is awesome. It's nothing but water and sugar and it fills you up. There's also some 0 calorie Jello, but that might outright murder you, same goes with the Diet Coke.

Dinner is served.

TIP SIX: DON'T GET DRUNK/STONNED Yeah you may be thinking "Well I haven't eaten anything today, so I could get drunk and still lose weight!". WRONG. You'll drink 6-7+ beers, that's already like 1200 calories. Then you'll inevitably order a large meat lover's from Pizza Hut and eat most of it, that's about 5000 calories and half a pound of hog grease.

TIP SEVEN: GET TOO DRUNK: Get real drunk, real fast. The resulting sickness and vomit will cut down on that fat stommach. You can even eat a decent amount of nachos before you down 10 shooters of Vodka and end up doing the puking dragon dance over the toilet.

TIP EIGHT: EAT ONCE PER DAY This takes some getting used to. Basically you could eat anything you want if you ate once per day. Well ok not anything, but a LOT. Lot more than you could ever eat all in one time on any pussy-ass diet. Want some pizza? Then go for it. Pizza, beer, cake. Hell yeah. If you go for 1500 calories per day "safe" ( wuss) weight loss speed, then that's about 6 McDonald's burgers. Sweet.

TIP NINE: DRINK VEGETABLE JUICE Vegetables are horrible, all fat people know that. But commercial vegetable cocktails are pretty good once you pour some tabasco and Worcestershire sauce in there. So instead of eating, just drink vegetable juice all day long. You can also drink Diet Coke, but I wasn't courageous enough to ruin my health quite that bad. There's like 500 calories in a huge jug of that stuff.

A winner

TIP TEN: GET MOUTH SURGERY: Ok this is more of a backup plan, but if you still have those precious wisdom teeth, get them removed and you won't want to eat for the next 5 days!

TIP ELEVEN: GET REALLY SICK: This is a last resort. But if you're that desperate, then eat some raw ground meat or bad sushi and enjoy the next few days of cramps, diarrhea and miracle weight loss.

Well that's all I can think of for now. The real secret to all the diets out there is that you have to keep doing them UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE. So fuck that bullshit, I say YES to boomerang dieting and speed-fasting. I don't have the discipline or the fucked-up sense of taste to enjoy vegetable croquettes and tofu. I don't want to jog, I don't want to eat 5 small meals per day. I want to buy a bucket of KFC and EAT IT WITH MY MOUTH. I want to eat chocolate, cheese, red meat, ice cream... I want to drink beer.

SO MANY BEERS.