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Top Ten Movies
by:Pox
2010/09/11
So I was sitting around bored today and I thought to myself "Maybe I'd like to watch a sweet movie right now".... Next thing I know I was stuck on rottentomatoes.com weeping at the terrible movies they stuff their top lists with, thinking about the poor people who'd be tricked into watching The Godfather or The Wizard of Oz by some assholes who don't remember the world didn't end with the invention of Technicolor.

So here's my contribution to mankind; a list with 10 movies that don't suck. I tried forgetting I saw most of these when I was a kid so as to not weigh them unfairly, but then I remembered I didn't have to do that because I grew up in the 90s when movies didn't suck balls and the advancement of special effects had pretty much reached its maximal level of people giving a shit.
Basically what I'm saying is that you won't find King Kong on this list because I'm not 90 years old and I didn't shit my pants the first time I saw stop motion during a moving pictures show.

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10-- 1994 - THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION

A man is put in prison for a crime he didn't commit and stays there for 18 years before he has to get busy living or get busy dying. It's the ultimate story of a fight against oppression and of finding humanity in the worst elements of society. To me it's better than Schindler's List, Gladiator or The Green Mile in that respect. The movie is narrated by Morgan Freeman, which makes it that much sweeter. There's something mesmerizing about his voice I tells ya. There's really some heart-breaking moments during this flick and it ends on a high note unlike most of these other movies where the main character just shits a brick and dies a martyr.
Things that definately suck about it:

Unless you really pay attention to what's going on you'll just get bored. You'll only enjoy this if you really get attached to the characters. Definitely not a popcorn flick or something to watch with friends. Just watch it alone in the dark.

Sweet song from the movie: None, sadly

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9-- 2004 - NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

Nothing about this movie makes sense. There's virtually no story and none of the characters are real or serious even though at no point is this movie ever presented like a comedy. That's what makes it for me. None of the jokes seem forced. In fact none of the jokes seem like jokes. It's like an entire Onion movie about a shitty town full of people with no potential who just live their boring lives. This is definately a hate it or love it movie sort of like Family Guy or Beavis and Butthead. You can't justify anything about Beavis and Butthead. If you don't like it, there's nothing anyone can say to make you like it.
Things that definately suck about it:

There's not a single normal person in that entire movie. Wait that's what makes it so great.. Nevermind, nothing sucks about it. Either you love it or you don't.

Sweet song from the movie: Patrick Street - Music for a Found Harmonium

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8-- 1991 - TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY

Well you have to have an Arnold movie somewhere in any top 10 list. It's not hard to sell people onto this one. It has a time traveling murder bot. TIME TRAVELING MURDER BOT. People say that this movie had ground-breaking special effects but there's nothing in it that hasn't been blown out of the water a million times by modern movies. No, the true greatness here is Arnold. If you replace him with any other actor, you're left with nothing. NOTHING.

The story is simple: a battle between two unstoppable killbots. That's the movie and they definitely took it up a notch in Terminator 3, which people hated on the premise of bad acting and a stupid story. Clearly they have never seen the other Terminator movies. The only reason I didn't put Terminator 3 in here instead is because T2 has Linda Hamilton as John Connor's mom. To this day she hasn't been surpassed in terms of woman badassery.
Think of any action movie with a female lead and try to remember the scene where she was doing pull-ups and her shoulders were so ripped you could see the muscle fibers. Oh right there's none because they usually just take a pretty face, stuff her tits in spandex and give her a gun. Linda Hamilton could punch a hole clean through Uma Thurman's head and sweep Lucy Lawless' legs so fast they'd fly off.

HOLY CRAP


Things that definitely suck about it:

Well the special effects and action scenes have been outclassed since then, there's no question about it. John Connor also suffers from the debilitating deficiency of being a kid, hence impossible to like. The plot also makes little sense but that's what happens when you're dealing with time travel and robot emotions.

Sweet song from the movie: Brad Fiedel - Terminator 2 theme

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7-- 1997 - THE FIFTH ELEMENT

No sci-fi movie has such a perfect balance of humor, action and goofiness. It doesn't take itself seriously for one single second and all that without resorting to self-depreciating humor or cliches. This movie is Die Hard in space and is incredibly fun to watch. Out of all the movies on this list, I think this might be the one that's the hardest to not like.

Er what else can I really say about it? Oh yeah, Chris Tucker is great in it. You know that annoying guy from the Rush Hour movies? This might be the only picture that ever figured out a role where an ADD sufferer actually adds to the plot. I mean come on, now you have to watch it, right?
Things that definately suck about it

I have no idea. Everything that's bad about it ( the puppets, the silly costumes, the dumb story ) isnt' presented seriously enough that you should ever give a crap about it. Though fair warning: there's a weird-ass space opera that may or may not be too pretentious for some folks. Also the poster makes it look like Bruce Willis has way more hair that he does in the movie, so if hair is what you like, you may be heart broken.

Sweet song from the movie: Inva Mula - Diva Song

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6-- 2002 - SPIDER-MAN

It's too bad X-Men came out in 2000 or I'd be saying this was the first good Super Hero movie ever made. Tim Burton's Batman flicks have aged horribly and are pretty retarded and terrible when you actually pay attention. Spider-Man is leagues above what came before it during the 70s, 80s and 90s and it paved the way for badass movies like Iron Man and The Dark Knight. You may argue those are better but none have a story as interesting and captivating as Spider-Man does. Peter Parker is just a high school nerd who constantly gets picked on when he gains actual superpowers ( screw you Iron Man, you have no powers ) and starts fighting crime because his uncle was murdered because he let a criminal get away. The movie sort of takes a hit from how goofy the villain is but the rest is just epic and solid.
Things that definately suck about it:

Like I said, the villain is sort of goofy but hey that's the best you can do given the source material. If you've ever seen the cartoon from the 60's you will know this...The comics were even worse... somehow. It's also arguably been surpassed by the two Iron Man and Dark Knight movies but they just don't feel as balanced as this one. Nothing is serious in Iron Man and the vilains are stupid while everything is way too serious in Batman who is basically a psychopath who beats people up while dressed as an animal-themed ninja.
Spider-Man is the best superhero of all time and the movie is well done enough that they won't beat it any time soon. Now if they ever get around to making a Preacher trilogy, I might change my mind.

Sweet song from the movie: Dany Elfman - Spider-Man theme

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5-- 2005 - THE 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

It's pretty hard to make a comedy with an actual story that doesn't end up either being a massive bummer ( Funny People ) or just retarded ( Anchorman). I think no movie ever achieved this balance better than this one. The comedy doesn't feel forced and actually gets the story moving unlike the vast majority of movies where they take a shitty story and grow comedy on it like a cancerous lump. The Naked Gun movies are probably the best example of this as the humor run parallel to the story like a 2 hour Family Guy episode.
You'll absolutely fall in love with Steve Carell as he mistakenly admits to his coworkers that he's still a virgin and they try to get him laid using every way they can think of.


Things that definately suck about it:

I'm guessing this movie might not age too well. Who's going to give a fuck about an Ebay store in 20 years? Or a guy who makes jokes about VHS tapes and the band Asia? And the whole edge of all the pot-smoking, gay-bashing and sex jokes might not last too long. And when we finally invent the Matrix, everyone will get laid all the time. In fact that will cause the collapse of society because that's all people will ever do anymore.

span class=plaintextyellow>Sweet song from the movie: Asia - Heat of the Moment

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4-- 1976 - ROCKY

The ultimate underdog story combined with the ultimate lucky man story. That's why we like it so much! Rocky is a lovable dumbass who wins the lottery twice in a row by getting a shot at the world heavyweight boxing title and then winning (yes he did) out of nowhere. It's such a satisfying story to see a good guy get a shot and not wasting it unlike those Bruce Almighty type movies where the main character gets some kind of amazing unforeseen streak of luck but just throws it away like a moron thus making him realize his normal life wasn't so bad? Scarface, The Invention of Lying, Alladin, Bedazzled, Mr. Deeds, Click... STOP IT ALREADY, YOU'LL NEVER CONVINCE REGULAR PEOPLE THAT HAVING LOTS OF MONEY AND SUPERPOWERS SUCKS.
Through the first 2 movies he has to fight every step of the way to make a life for himself and even as everything around him falls apart he keeps it together long enough to make a life for himself through the power of montages.
Things that definately suck about it:

This is the oldest movie on this list and it's pretty dated. The pace might feel slow and the humor shitty but it all makes sense when you remember who Rocky is supposed to be: a bum with no education and possible brain damage. That's why it's ok that every third word Rocky says is either complete nonsense or slurred. It ADDS to the story, ok?
Even given it's age, it's still awesome today given that it didn't rely on special effects or musical numbers to convey the story.

span class=plaintextyellow>Sweet song from the movie: Bill Conti- Gonna Fly Now

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3-- 1994 - PULP FICTION

The movie tells the story of several different characters one at a time while ignoring the actual time line of events, instead focusing on what role each character plays in the bigger picture. The important thing about it though is that it's both violent and funny. Extremely violent and funny in fact. This is probably the movie that pisses Quention Tarantino off the most because he's never been able to top it in over 15 years. Boy that's got to eat away at him as he get older. That's why everything I do now sucks, so it won't be hard to surpass myself later on.
This movie best showcases Tarantino's trademark: useless conversations that are funny but add nothing to the plot. Seriously most of what these characters say is total bullshit but you'll enjoy every moment of it.
It also has one hell of a soundtrack.

Things that definately suck about it:

Some of the stories are definitely not as interesting as others and some of those idle chatting moments will get on your nerves.

span class=plaintextyellow>Sweet song from the movie: Dick Dale - Misirlou

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2-- 1995 - BRAVEHEART

3 hours of skull-shattering and head chopping action with possibly the saddest ending ever. I don't want to give too much away but let's just say that when Mel Gibson's wedding reception gets ruined by a sudden thunderstorm... why I just about lost it. Tragic. Braveheart is the story of William Wallace who unites the Scots against the evil king of England in an effort to gain their FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
Of course what was really great about the movie 15 years ago were the battle scenes. I guess it was impressive to us to see 2000 people in costume randomly flail about in the background. Still looks better than the CGI crap we get today.
Things that definately suck about it:

I'm pretty sure nothing in this movie ever happened despite what Mel Gibson would have us believe. Also this movie is LONG. I used to rent this and it had 2 VHS tapes. Nothing sucks more than having to switch out tapes in the middle of a movie. Oh wait yes something does suck more: VHS tapes. I love watching movies on my computer, glad that time is over.

span class=plaintextyellow>Sweet song from the movie: James Horner - Braveheart Theme

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1-- 1980 - THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

Is there any contest here? What a kickass movie. Since you're supposed to know all the characters already, they don't waste a single minute with the usual crap and jump straight into the action. You're not five minutes in that Luke gets a face full of snow monster fist. It's amazing how not dated most of the special effects are to this day. This movie is 30 years old and has stood the test of time better than anything else. EVER. It's like finding WiFi access in the pyramids. EXACTLY LIKE THAT. First of all, the movie is set in space so until we invent technology that's better than Star Destroyers, it will always look awesome. Then there's the costumes that have just become pop culture staples because they're so well designed. And finally, the musical score is the best of any movie ever made and doesn't remind you that the movie was released the same year as Call Me
One of the great things about Star Wars is that they never explain how the technology works. In fact, the technology isn't even important. None of it makes any sense but you don't have time to think about it. And of course what really makes this movie worthy of me watching it is the story. It's perfect, sandwiched between movies 1 and 2. That means it has to explain NOTHING to you and it can leave threads hanging loose and you know you're not supposed to give a shit. What an unfair advantage! No wonder it's so awesome. The first movie ended with the rebels destroying the Death Star and you thinking "So what? They still have like a million giant space ships that will kill you". And the third movie ended exactly the same way actually... But in this one it's all pure suspense with the promise that all loose ends will be tied...eventually.

Things that definately suck about it:

This movie is so impossibly awesome that you might not notice it has a homosexual robot and a 7 foot tall space dog that communicates only with growls as main characters. And let's get real, Yoda? Yeah he's great but he's just a frickin puppet. That's only one notch above an oompa-loompa and it's completely ridiculous.

span class=plaintextyellow>Sweet song from the movie: John Williams - Imperial March

=============================================================== CLOSE CALLS

These are movies that rule but didn't make it for totally arbitrary reasons because at the end of the day the movies you like are the ones you grew up with or the ones you've watched over and over and that's the sad truth. Er I mean ... listen to me and watch these... you simpletons...

1981 - Das Boot ( The Boat)
This is a very long movie about a German u-boat crew during WW2 that just perfectly captures the pant-shitting terror of being stuck blind under water while people throw depth charges at you. There's no movie out there that will have you root for the Nazis quite like this.
2004 - Team America: World Police
Probably the most refreshing movie to come along in a long LONG time. Seriously, who'd ever think about making a movie with the puppets from Thunderbirds? And who knew they would actually pull it off? And on top of it all, Trey Parker and Matt Stone wrote some original songs just for the movie, all of which kick major ass. The only reason it's not on my top 10 list is because this movie won't stand the test of time as the entire plot and humor is based on politics and celebrities of the 00s. In 10-15 yeare it will have lost a whole lot of its relevance and edge and kids won't know what the hell is going on. Too bad.
1993 - Jurassic Park
The movie that made everyone believe you could actually clone dinosaurs about as easily as you could design a creature with Spore. Sadly, pretty much all of its original appeal lied in its special effects which have now been outclassed even by retarded B movies made by two dudes in their basement with 3D Studio Max.
1986 - Transformers: The Movie
I know there's no possible way that anyone who didn't see this as a kid 20 years ago could ever like this today but fuck it, it's awesome. This is what the Transformers are. It's not a bullshit story about a college kid and the military, it's just robots shooting at each other in space for 90 minutes set to the best soundtrack in the 80s. Seriously every song in this movie is inexplicably amazing.
Stan Bush - Dare
Stan Bush - The Touch
NRG - Instruments of Destruction
Spectre General - Nothing's Gonna Stand in Our Way
Spectre General - Hunger




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