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SOME WEIRD BEER I HAD ON VACATION
by:Pox
2013/08/20
Sometimes you go on vacation and sometimes you just so happen to find an awesome convenience store with 300 kinds of beers you've never heard of because you live in fucking Quebec and alcohol is heavily controlled by your gay-ass government so all you can buy is international-standard swill. Sapporo, Tsingtsao, Heinneken, Corona, Stella, Coors Light... you know that same beer they make in every country and export to others for some reason? That beer with "It's so refreshing to drink" as a selling point? Beer isn't refreshing. Real beer is heavy, aggressive, borderline disgusting and it makes you drunk, not refreshed. They advertise Coors Lite the same way they adversite iced tea, I swear.

Anyway, look at these five true man beers we got (YES PINK IS MANLY. THERE'S LOTS OF PINK THINGS MEN LIKE. NO MORE DETAILS SHALL BE GIVEN, THIS IS A FAMILY WEBSITE):



Hm! Let's go through them! Also look at the sweet giant mugs my friend bought:



And these idiotic chips we DID NOT buy:


MURICA

"Tater" chips?

Fuck you.

Moving on...

1.

Our first beer is Rogue's Bacon Maple Voodoo Donut Ale. The guy at the beer store commented ( having never tasted it) that this would either be the best or the most disgusting beer drinking experience we'd ever have. HE WAS CLOSE.

Look at this ingredient on the label: "Free Range Coastal Water". Further research seems to indicate that this is a joke. Thank God. But you never know with hipsters and foodies, those people will buy anything: Like 40$ bottles of water....

SO WHAT IS THIS BEER LIKE?

Smokey bacon grease mixed with regular ole beer. It has a strong and aggressive black forest ham aroma that was more overpowering than any smoked beers I'd ever tried before. Jesus Christ. This beer is hilarious, but not drinkable. Buy a bottle and share it with your friends for a laugh but please, for the love of God, don't drink this alone...

2.


Second on the list is Stone's R&R Coconut IPA. Who wouldn't want a coconut flavored beer? I've always wondered what it would taste like! Coconut is the shit, it's like one of the best 5 flavors of all time as well as Guyana's third largest export crop!. WOW!!

SO WHAT IS THIS BEER LIKE?

Sadness. It tastes like any old regular pale ale with maybe a little bit of fruitiness to it. Frankly I couldn't tell because my mouth was still full of bacon beer. One thing's for sure: It did not taste like coconut. Sorry. You have betrayed me.

3.


Now for something actually good: Schlafly's Pumpkin Ale.

SO WHAT IS THIS BEER LIKE?

Like pumpkin pie is what. I love pumpkin beer. It's genius. Delicious. All these nice spices like nutmeg, cinnamon and cloves blend really well with beer and work hard to make me peacefully drunk. DRINK THIS SHIT.

4.


Continuing the streak of tastiness is Wells Banana Bread Beer. Once again, I've always dreamed of mixing bananas and beer. I've had enough beer at this point, I need novelty. This is why I love beer over wine. Wine is wine. There's like 3 kinds of wine and those assholes try to convince the gullible general public ( and their doubly gullible and deluded selves) that changing the type of grape or soil makes a taste difference worth paying money for. It doesn't. It never will, it never has, you're all wasting your time with your wine. Just drink it and shut up.

It's the same with beer. Yeah go ahead and try your 30 different hop and barley mixes with your fiji water or whatever, no one gives a damn. HOWEVER with Beers, people make insane experiments. Insane experiments that make this article possible and that make my me spend money to entertain myself to drunkness.

SO WHAT IS THIS BEER LIKE?

Like HEAVEN. This is the best beer I've had all year, bar none. It's like banana bread mushed into a glass of delightful brown ale. Reading the ingredients tells you that this contains... GASP.. ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS!! OH NO!!! Hippies can't drink this delicious brew now :,(

Good thing I don't give a damn. Wish I could buy this beer around here... :(

5.


Finally: Twisted Pine Brewery's Ghost Face Killah. I have no idea why anyone would boast about making the ...spiciest... beer of them all..?? This one has the infamous ghost chili in it. As well as five other kinds. I don't really understand the point of adding a bunch of different kinds of chili peppers to a recipe, all you're doing is avering out their heat.

SO WHAT IS THIS BEER LIKE?

Well....I will let my friend explain:





The second you take a wiff of this brew you understand HOW MANY KINDS OF PEPPERS THEY PUT IN THERE. Oh yeah. There is no beer scent to be found here. Or beer. This is basically like drinking the pickling juice from a jar of habaneros. If you love what you... think.. is the actual taste of a hot pepper, I guess this beer is for you. It definitely does like some kind of vegetable while it burns a hole through your stommach.

Yeah it's gross.

Tell me about the awesome beers you've tried in your area!

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