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I HATE WHIPLASH
by:Pox
2015/06/21


For the unaware, Whiplash is a 2014 oscar-bait movie, starring Spider-Man's boss, based on the premise that to realize true greatness in your students you just have to be a raging asshole to them until they either quit, kill themselves or become the best in the world.

Almost every second of this movie made me angry. First of all, it's about jazz. Fucking jazz. Who listens to jazz? To most people it's just an endless cacophony and this movie, no joke, ends with a 10 minute drum solo that sounded exactly like what a computer program would randomly generate. I couldn't believe how long it went on and I'm glad I didn't watch that in theaters because I would have been trapped there listening to a spastic kid attacking his drums for HALF OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. Thank you, fast-forward.

How do you even measure greatness in jazz? Music is already a very opinion-based medium yet this movie's entire premise is based on the idea that you can be objectively really good at jazz and this will make you a legend who everyone remembers forever. Yeah maybe if it was still 1935 but in the real world, where no Hollywood writer lives, no one gives a fuck about jazz.

First off, let's get this straight: Being proficient at playing an instrument has very quickly diminishing returns.



This guy's ridiculously amazing, but will anyone remember him in 40 years? No. Did he contribute any great music piece to the world? Does he have a talent that a simple computer can't easily replicate and then surpass?

His regular job is just to play in an orchestra and what people remember is who wrote the song, not who's playing the 5th violin really well in one recording of that song. Only a trained musician could even have a chance at telling the difference and last I heard, you don't make an entertainment product aimed at pleasing 0.001% of the people who are likely to buy it.

Now, Whiplash is all about this asshole conductor at a top music conservatory who's genius method to motivate his students amounts to telling them they suck. The better they are, the more he yells at them. Supposedly this works so well that his band wins every contest and instead of him being fired he gets to run the best college-level music program in the country.

A quick google search of "whiplash movie science" returns a slew of pages explaining in vast detail how that entire movie is total horseshit. Psychologists, actual jazz experts, music teachers... everyone seems to agree that none of what's in this movie makes any damn sense...except our dear old friends the movie critics, who, as usual, don't know anything about anything.

How easy would it be to teach people if any of this was true? Why not start in preschool? What's that Timmy? Can't tie your shoes? YOU WORTHLESS SACK OF GARBAGE, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CRUSH YOUR HEAD WITH THIS CINDER BLOCK!!! WHAT? SHOW YOU HOW? YOU IMBECILE I DON'T HAVE TIME TO ACTUALLY TEACH ANYONE ANYTHING, I JUST YELL AND MAKE YOU PRACTICE THINGS YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW!!

This mentality is why so many fucking idiots who can't sing get in line for American Idol. That's what happens if you tell everyone they are bad regardless of reality. Not only are you making good students shoot themselves ( Japan's high suicide rate says hi) but you're making dumbasses think they're good because they get the exact same feedback as everyone else.

Oh Simon Cowell couldn't contain his laughter during my preschool-level dance number? Must be because he realized my true potential. I'll be back next year, but not before I throw a tantrum, because art isn't about endless practice or understanding of advanced theory, it's about EMOTION, man!


This is how Whiplash would have ended in the real world.

Anyway don't watch that movie.

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